Medical Terms for Your Privates.

Sorry guys, I had issues with my blog loading very slowly. I think it's fixed. Sorry for the repost;)

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Remember that episode on Seinfeld where Elaine gets all upset over being labeled a 'difficult patient'? Well, turns out, it could have been a lot worse for Elaine. Like, much worse!

Imagine how she would have felt seeing "redundant vagina" scribbled in her chart. Just a hunch here, but I'm pretty sure it would have sent her over the edge.

What's a redundant vagina, you ask? THANK YOU! I didn't know what it was either, which is rather surprising considering I've made a lifelong career out of working around vajay-jay. I mean, I know what it is, but I didn't know there was a medical term for it.

That's the thing about medicine; there has to be a formal term for everything. For instance, it's not enough to document that someone is really, really overweight. That's just unprofessional. So, instead, you must document that the patient is morbidly obese, which basically implies that the person is so fucking fat that he is going to DIE!! Like, right there and then. Maybe.

Honestly, I think these terms are just sugarcoating the obvious truth, but at times, some of these terms can be just as, if not more, offensive as stating the obvious.

For instance, let's go back to "redundant vagina," a phrase I learned from a couple of doctors who worked with us last weekend. Let me break this term down for you:

redundant: exceeding what is necessary or normal: superfluous.

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vagina: a canal in the female mammal that leads from the uterus to the external orifice of the genital canal. (And you thought I was going to post a picture of your ex-wife, didn't you?)

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Alotta Fagina

(except this isn't some Austin Powers movie; it's real life, people!)

Upon learning what this meant, I'm pretty sure I thought the exact same thing that every other nurse around me was thinking. Which was: God, I hope this term isn't used anywhere in my chart (mental note to self: get my medical records from Sally). Except I didn't just think it; I said it. Out loud. Because I lack a filter like that.

I was rest assured, however, when these doctors explained to me that it is unlikely I suffer from this because I have never given birth to "a lot" of babies. (Thank God they elaborated on this, because I was a couple of minutes away from straddling my compact mirror in the staff bathroom.) Anyway, yay me! *high-fives self* One point scored for women who have never given birth! Zero points for women who are contributing to this redundant population problem we have! But who's keeping track, right? Certainly not this bitter, childless singleton.

All joking aside, allow me to speak on behalf of all the women out there who may have this problem: This term is absolutely HORRIBLE. I'd even take a superfluous vagina over a redundant one. I mean, at least superfluous suggests a vagina that is, well... super. But redundant? Couldn't they have used roomy or spacious? Our society likes roomy and spacious. Don't believe me? Watch HGTV.

This term is probably just as insulting to women as the term microphallus is to men. When you break down this word, you get a penis that can't been seen without the aid of a microscope. Now, that's just plain cruel! Itty, bitty penis sounds a micro bit better than microphallus, don't cha think?

I know, I know... you're probably wondering why I'm wasting your time by making you read about disgusting medical terms. But, hey, it could be worse; I could have written an entire post dedicated to anal fistulas...

But, seriously, who in their right mind would want to read a boring post about lawyers?