Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,

You have evolved into something I no longer recognize nor enjoy. When I first joined your site, it was simple. I could log on and keep in touch with family and friends. It was new and refreshing, and unlike the cheesiness of myspace, I was not harassed by pathetic, horny guys who would solicit me for dates (AKA booty calls). At the very most, on your site, I would have to endure a "poke" and either "poke back," or ignore it. Truth be told, I don't even mind the poke, but is there anyway you can make it more enjoyable? I find the poke is equivalent to high school sex; in and out and nothing to brag about. Please find a way to make it more sensual. But do this only if you can ensure that the "poke" won't impregnate me. Unless, of course, you have the "condom" application in the works - which I am sure you do, given all the other ridiculous applications you have circulating on your site.

There once was a facebook time when I could go to my home page without having to weed through all these stupid quizzes that my friends have taken. Quite frankly, I don't give a shit about what their "pirate names" would be. In fact, aside from the intense desire to sleep with Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, I have no interest, whatsoever, in pirates. And who are these quizzes kidding, anyway? I know my friends, and believe me, most of them would never have the culture, or the class, to live in a place like Italy or Paris. Pleeeze...their idea of a good Italian restaurant is the Olive Garden. And the only "French" any of them have ever experienced is having someone's tongue shoved down their throat. Why tease them with exotic locations that make them loathe their present placement? And why plague my page with the stupid results of their boredom?

More disturbing to me are the advertisements, off to the side of my home page, that I feel are directed to me, and me alone. Either you have found a way to plant cameras in my bathroom mirror, or you have a group of marketing experts who have pried into my internet behavior. I find it rather offensive that I have become part of the target population who needs a constant reminder of how "Jennifer Aniston is forty, but looks like she is twenty," or how a miracle cream has been discovered that is the cure for cellulite. It pisses me off that you know I am the type of person who will respond to such ads. By the way, after researching why so many Hollywood stars look so young, I found out this particular drug is not approved by the FDA; I bought it, and it doesn't work. I wonder if my junior cohorts are bombarded with ads about acne or premature ejaculation, or if my Mom receives advertisements promoting remedies for vaginal dryness and arthritic aches and pains. C'mon, let up on the target marketing. I have spent too many well-earned dollars on infomercials as it is - I have every hair-removal product known to man, and yet, after a week of not pruning, I still resemble the Amazon Jungle.

Another feature which I wish you would do away with is the one which allows my friends the ability to tag me in pictures. I don't know about others, but when I post a picture of myself, you can be damned sure that it is not one in which I am sporting three chins. Nor do I ever pick the ones in which my eyes are half-closed...you know, the ones where I look as though I am higher than a kite. No, I weed through my iphoto and find all the pictures where the exposure makes me look skinny, young, and sober. I also hate that if my friend has not tagged a picture of me that I actually like, she will be able to tell if I am vain enough to tag the picture myself. Many of my friends do not take my vanity into consideration. But vanity, unfortunately, is an unattractive trait, so please create a way to determine whether or not my picture is desirable enough for facebook. Do not delegate this responsibility to my friends; they can be ruthless bitches.

Oh, and let's discuss that little red notification icon at the bottom of the page. I do not need notifications of how I should play Word Twist, or how I should add The Family Tree application. Nor do I need a notification of how someone else has commented on a picture or status on which I have also commented. These notifications should be strictly related to what others have commented on my postings and pictures. Otherwise, it is just as anti-climactic as opening up AOL to hear that "You've Got Mail," only to go to your inbox and find a spam mail that expresses your urgent need for male enhancement. Really, I only need to receive notifications that pertain to me....me, me, me, me.

I don't know what you have done to your layout, but when I encourage friends to join, they (Sally) are intimidated by the confusion of this whole facebook thing. I have many friends (Sally) who avoid your site because they can't navigate their way around it. I can't say that you are entirely at fault, for some of my friends are technologically inept (Sally), but, seriously, could you dumb it down a bit?

Lastly, could you please add spell check? I hate posting a comment, a note, or a status update only to see that I have misspelled something or have been grammatically incorrect. Seriously, the last thing I need is for people to think that I am an idiot. I am not an idiot! I am a hard working citizen who comes home at the end of a long day and checks my facebook every five minutes to see what everyone else is up to.

Please, make these changes, otherwise, I will be forced to construct a website of my own. Pay heed, Facebook, or I may be your next biggest competitor. "Assbook" may be coming to a website near you!