If you are a dog lover like myself, then you'll be happy to know that there is a gadget out there that can translate your dog's barks and behaviors into words. Yep, if a wag of the tail or a lick on the face isn't enough to suggest "I love you," then you may want to invest in the BowLingual, the nifty little gadget that can bridge the huge communication gap between you and your dog.
On the other hand, if you're a cheap ass like me, then allow me to save you the $213 you will have to fork out to purchase this lying piece of shit. I figured I knew everything about Kenora, my dog of fourteen years, but according to the BowLingual, I don't know Jack.
To save you the heartache from learning what it is your dog is really thinking, allow me to demonstrate my *interpretation* of what the BowLingual (BL) had to say about the relationship between me and my furry K-9...
Me: I dread going to work and leaving Kenora by herself. Does she pine after me while longing for my return?
BL: Ahem. Ahhhh... no! Sorry!
Me: Really? You sure? Alright, then. *sigh*
When we're just hanging around the house and I look over at her to find her staring intensely at me, is she thinking about how much she loves me?
When we're just hanging around the house and I look over at her to find her staring intensely at me, is she thinking about how much she loves me?
BL: Not exactly. Unless, of course, you are a Beggin' Strip posing as a human.
ME: Wow, that was just cruel.
Sometimes, when I go out of town, I leave her with my friends, Sue and Terie. Upon my return, Kenora always gives me the cold shoulder. Is this because she prefers living with them over me?
BL: NO. It's because they have something you don't have: a cat. Cat shit is like crack for dogs. She is ignoring you because she is withdrawing from cat shit, so don't be so goddamned sensitive. Now go kiss your dog.
Me: I love getting together with the girls, as does Kenora. Does Kenora get all wound up and excited because she feels a sense of camaraderie amongst my friends?
BL: Sure, if that's what you want to call it...
Me: You sure are sarcastic, aren't you? Tell me this... how many times a day does my dog think about me?
BL:
+
+
=
you do the math!
Me: Quit being such a douche.
When Kenora looks at me, does she find me beautiful?
When Kenora looks at me, does she find me beautiful?
BL: Yes, of course she does...*sneer*
Me: Okay, that's it! Now you're just being a big fucking asshole. You know what, BowLingual? You have no clue what my dog thinks. We've been together long enough for me to know exactly what she is thinking...
BL: Hate to break it to ya, but...
Me: Scew you! I'm sure most pet owners think this... but I know the bond between me and my dog is soooo strong, she would save my life if I were ever in danger. Yeah, that's right! And you know what else? Her heroic act would, no doubt, land us an interview with Oprah, or at the very least, it would get her featured on the cover of People...
BL: You think so?
Me: No, I know so!
BL: Okay, prove it!
Me: Alright. I will! I'll play dead and then you'll see how loyal she is to me...
(grabbing neck in the universal sign for choking)
*gasp*
*gurgle*
(falls to floor)
Okay, I'm dead....
"Kenora..." (one eye slightly opened)
"Mommy's dead..."
"KENORA!"
"Kenora, c'mon girl!!"
"Here, Kenora! Look!"
"LOOK OVER HERE, Kenora..."
"MOMMY JUST DIED!"
"Kenora!!!"
BL: Pffft!
Me: Fine! Point taken.
2 comments:
Hysterical....and SO true! I know our dogs love us, but I'm fairly certain they love bacon a wee bit more.
I love all animals, and fail to understand most of them I'm sure.
My cat and I have an understanding between us though: I keep the food and water coming, a warm place to curl up and a box to poop in when it's cold outside and... he'll stay, thank you.
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