Birth Planner's Death Plan

A Die-Hard (pun intended) Birth Planner's 

Death Plan

Bad, bad, bad word!!!

My spouse and I acknowledge that when my spirit leaves my body, it is a natural process. Please do not refer to this process by using the "D" word.

I have a true hatred for medical personnel, so please don't take offense if I doubt your assessments and recommendations. Having spent the last two days surfing the web, I consider myself adept in this area and, therefore, more qualified than you to know what's best for me.

If I present to the hospital in pain, under no circumstance are  you to offer me medication that will abate my discomfort. Even if I change my mind, my husband is under strict instructions not to allow medication administration. I know that losing me is painful for him, but if he should suffer by watching me suffer, then all the better. 

I do not want an I.V. It will interfere with my mobility during my spiritual transport.

Intravenous Therapy

hell-to-the-no

I reserve the right to remain mobile during this process. Even if I can't breathe, I would like to be free to roam the halls. I would also like to sit on bouncy-ball and get in different positions to facilitate this process naturally. 

I am paying an arm and a leg for a comfort specialist who will be with me during this very pivotal moment. She has attended a three-day workshop; thus, she is qualified to give her opinion regarding medical recommendations. Please do not refer to her  as my ghoula.

I request that a mirror be available so I can watch my spirit leave my body.

Should I present without any brain activity, please do not consider me passed until my heart has stopped surging. I am aware that this could take years, and it might be a huge strain on my loved ones, but since this is a natural process, I would like my heart to stop beating on its own terms. My husband—no one else—will pronounce me dead when my heart stops...unless, of course, he has remarried. 

Please delay my last bath as long as possible. Because incontinence is a natural occurrence when you die, I don't mind if my family and friends say their last good-byes to me with me smelling of shit and piss. 

Under no circumstance is my husband allowed to leave my side. He must accompany me everywhere; even to the morgue. 

I appreciate your cooperation. Should your care deviate from my wishes, you will be held accountable for my spirit not leaving this earth exactly the way I had planned it. As a result, I will come back in the form of a lawyer to haunt your sorry ass!