Ten Things You Should Know Before Asking Me to Babysit

Prelude

Shortly after my 13th birthday, I began babysitting for a number of families in my neighborhood. In addition to filling my pockets with a little extra spending money, this new vocation provided me with a means to learn everything I ever needed or wanted to know about sex; you'd be surprised at the types of things a curious adolescent can find while riffling through the night stands of the married couples who employ her.

What's even more surprising is how the Polaroid camera, despite its bulkiness, managed to maintain its popularity in the early 80s. As far as I could tell, every couple had one, and judging by some of the pictures I found, the only advantage of owning a Polaroid, as opposed to a more conventional camera, was the ability to discretely chronicle your sex life. Remember; this was well before digital cameras ever existed.

All I can say is thank God my babysitting career had ended long before the nanny camera hit the market. Otherwise, I'm sure the footage of my disgraceful behavior would have been aired as the feature story on Dateline or 60 Minutes.  

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I figured my babysitting days were long over. However, over the last five years, a handful of my friends had decided that their genetic material was worthy of passing on to future generations, and thus, they've been procreating like rabbits. This small population spurt has renewed the need for my services, and against their better judgement, my friends, from time to time, have had me sit for their offspring. 

I'm intelligent enough to know that I have not been recruited to babysit based on the fact that I'm some sort of super-nanny who, through song and dance, can make children believe that putting away their toys is as much fun as playing with puppies and unicorns. Nor is it because I'm in any desperate need of money; I would never expect my friends to pay me for watching their children. I don't even know what a babysitter charges these days. 

It's $14 per hour — I just googled it on the chance my friends might be interested in knowing how much money I have saved them over the years.  

The real reason I still get asked to babysit is because I am single...and I don't have children...and I rarely go out. The sum of all these factors leaves my friends with the impression that I lack anything that resembles a life and, therefore, I would like nothing more than to babysit their children on a Saturday night. I don't intend to dispute this fact, but I would like to establish a few ground rules for future babysitting assignments (providing my friends will ever ask me to babysit again after they read this post).

1) I value my sleep like a crack-whore values her crack—and by crack, I mean the drug, in case you needed clarification—so please do not ask me to babysit before 11 a.m. or after 2 a.m..

2)When it comes to children, I have the attention span of an embryo. It's imperative you know this because it impacts how I will interact with your child. Be forewarned that your child and I will likely have about 15 minutes of interactive play before I am forced, out of boredom, to plop him down in front of the television. 

3) Because it's inevitable that your child will spend most of his time in front of the T.V., it is advisable that you have a suitable DVD on hand— unless, of course, you have no qualms about him being addicted to The Real Housewives or Jersey Shore. Otherwise, allow me to clarify what it is I mean by "suitable" and "on hand."

Suitable: A DVD that captivates both him and me.

Good choice: Team America—puppets for him; adult humor for me...we both win!

Bad choice: Dora the Explorer—he learns Spanish; I learn how to lie to a child..."Oh, oh, T.V.'s broken! Bedtime!"

On Hand: DVD is placed in DVR. DVR is turned on. Input source is switched to DVR. All I have to do is press play. This may seem rather remedial, but you know that remote control you have sitting on your coffee table? The one that's the size of an ipad and has more buttons than a sound board? Well, I totally get that this fancy gadget makes your husband feel like a tech-savvy man, but IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A FUCKING IMBECILE!! And I highly doubt you want an imbecile supervising your child, now do you? 

4)If you can't comply with #3, I request that the latest copies of US, People and Star be available for my perusal. And please don't mind if I use these magazines for bedtime stories.  From past experience, I know that children get very involved when asked to point to all the movie stars who "look like Auntie Rachel."

5)In reference to #4: your child's story time will be cut short if he points to someone like Prince or Mick Jagger. I may have full lips, but your child needs to learn how to make simple distinctions early on in life. Gender attribution should not be that difficult for a three-year-old to grasp.

6) I would prefer it if you did not ask me to bathe your child. Call me crazy, but I don't want his memory of my cleaning his private parts to be misconstrued later in life as "Auntie Rachel touched me down there." Not to mention, my short attention span for children can serve as a serious safety issue; I would hate for your child to inhale a tubful of water just because I'm too busy plucking my facial hair.

7) Given my earlier confession, I feel it necessary to assure you that you do not need to put a lock on your bedroom door. I am no longer curious, and I have no interest in knowing what the two of you do when you are behind closed doors. In fact, this mental image is very disturbing to me, and I would like very much to avoid it. It is almost as nauseating to me as the image of my paren—

Hhhugggh, Hhhuggh

Sorry, that was the sound of me almost puking. 

8)Speaking of puking...if your child has a certain proclivity for face-painting herself with her own feces, then it would be in her best interest if you disclosed this information before I change her diaper. Failing to do so will result in me almost puking on her while I frantically scrub her face (and quite possibly the inside of her mouth) with a whole package of WetOnes©!

9)If you are unable to provide me with dinner (e.g., Chinese takeout or cheese pizza with black olives and mushrooms), then I can not be held accountable for going to town on all the junk food you have in your pantry. In fact, if you do own a nanny cam, chances are you already have a video of me gorging myself on Baked Lays© and Chips O'hoy©. Should such a video exist, I trust your discretion in ensuring it doesn't get leaked onto YouTube. Did I mention that babysitters charge $14 dollars per hour? 

10) For the safety of your child, it is recommended that all alcohol be secured in a locked cabinet. Alcohol serves as a wonderful sleep aid for me...

                       and it works like a charm on the kiddos, too!

I don't want anyone to feel bad or to think, "God, she is really bitter about babysitting." I'm not. I'm just being forthright about how you can make my watching your kids an enjoyable experience. 


I realize that the tone of this post may seem a little acerbic, so if it's difficult to swallow, allow me to reference the greatest nanny of all time...




"A spoonful of sugar..."

♬♬♬☂☂☂☂☂☂☂☂♬♬♬