Losing My Religion

Okay, I am sure this will piss a few people off. This is not an argument for, or against, religion. It was written light-heartedly... 

The beautiful Susan Gagne as Eve

I originally intended this post to be about P.M.S.. I had this great idea of blaming Eve for the painful menstrual cramps I suffer from on a monthly basis. Somewhere along the line, I remember hearing that painful menstruation was part of the punishment God gave to Eve for eating the forbidden fruit. Thank God for the Internet (turns out I don't own a Bible) because after researching this topic, I found out that painful periods weren't part of the deal. I don't know where I heard this, but I am pretty sure it was from someone who, I had assumed, knew what he was talking about (i.e. minister or Religious Studies professor). This just goes to show you how much of what is written in the Bible is up for interpretation. 

Allegedly, God punished Eve by ensuring she would have great pain while giving birth, not while menstruating. Now, this I can attest to—not personally, but from watching hundreds of women give birth. Suffice it to say, childbirth is no walk in the park. However, if it's up for interpretation, the line "I will multiply your sorrow," to me, refers to "that time of the month." This way, I can at least blame my P.M.S. on some gullible woman who was naive enough to listen to a serpent. What's worse is this serpent seduced her with an apple, for God's sake. I repeat, an apple! Not a piece of chocolate or a thick chunk of finely-aged cheese, but an APPLE. Now, in all fairness to Eve, I will admit that I, too, have been stupid enough, at one time or another, to fall for the empty promises of some back-stabbing snake (bitterness not intended), but I am pretty sure I was enticed with something other than a piece of fruit. 

As I continued reading Genesis, I was deeply disturbed by the line, "your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." What the...? I know the dude gave her a rib, but c'mon, really? No wonder I have a fridge magnet that depicts a bride and groom walking down the aisle...underneath, the caption states, "One more thing I will never do." Not to sound like a raging feminist, but I think I might have to find myself a new religion. 

My ignorance surrounding the Original Sin lead me to research the Ten Commandments. I was curious to see how many of them I actually remembered from my religious upbringing as a child. I decided to write them down. Turns out, after Googling them (yes, Google is now listed in the dictionary as a verb), I had a few written down that aren't even on the list. Namely, Thou shalt not drink in excess, Thou shalt not have premarital sex, and Thou shalt not lie. Hmmm? This makes me wonder if maybe my parents had their own agenda when relaying biblical stories to us at bedtime. 

As I went down the real list to see how many of them I don't obey, I was shocked to learn that I am a very naughty girl. 

I really wish God would have given Moses a third tablet that stated a disclaimer. One that read something along the lines of, "If you commit greater than five of these, you are destined for hell." Better yet, I wish one's compliance for the Ten Commandments was graded on a learning curve. If this were the case, I would at least have a small chance of avoiding the nickname "Crispy-Fry" in my afterlife. 

This is how I did: 

Thou shalt not have any Gods before me: I believe in one God. I just hope He isn't as mean and unforgiving as the one depicted in the Scriptures. 

Thou shalt not make onto thee any graven images: This one kind of goes with number one and basically says we should not worship any idols other than God. I believe this makes for a strong argument as to why that God-awful show American Idol should be taken off the air. That being said, I am the first to admit that I am guilty of worshiping any guy who stands behind a microphone with a guitar in his hands. 

Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain: Guilty. See above paragraph. 

Keep the Sabbath day Holy: I wonder what my manager would say if I went to her with this excuse as to why I can no longer work on Sundays. I would strengthen my argument by quoting the one song I remember from Sunday school, "for the Bible tells me so." Something tells me I'd still be working on Sundays. 

Honor thy Mother and Father: I have a long history of disobeying this rule. It started at a young age when I purposely locked my parents out of the house. Unbeknownst to me, the dead bolt would stick when in the locked position. This resulted in my mother having to climb through our kitchen window. My first mistake was overtly showing my amusement by laughing at her while she tried to contort her body to make it fit through a window that was one third her size. My second mistake was lying about it. I now know I should have received a "get out of jail free" card since the act of lying isn't listed as one of the Ten Commandments. I had blamed my younger brother, Cam, who, at the time, wasn't even tall enough to reach the dead bolt. Needless to say, I received my first of many spankings. Redemption came later in life, as a teenager, when I would honor my mother by emulating her as I copied her technique while getting in and out of my bedroom window late at night. And though my parents would disagree, I feel I showed them a great deal of respect by letting them get their well-deserved sleep; using our front door at two o'clock in the morning would have surely prevented this.

Thou shalt not kill: I really wish it would specify just what, exactly, we can not kill. Does it apply to insects, rodents, and plants? 'Cause if it does, I am screwed. 

Thou shalt not steal: Guilty. While some people may consider the act of taking toilet paper and cleaning supplies from their place of employment as theft, I consider it part of the employee benefit package. My experience with real stealing started, once again, at young age when I stole a toy fishing rod from my friend's sandbox. My father made me promptly return it with a lengthy apology that outlined why I took the rod, why it was wrong, and what I would do in the future to rectify my evil ways. Did I mention I was five? Apparently, this humiliating experience left a bad taste in my mouth because when all my friends were going through their shoplifting phase (all through high school), I could only conjure up the balls to shoplift on one occasion. While they were at the Bay stuffing the entire spring collection into their over-sized purses, I was at Shopper's Drug Mart, shaking uncontrollably as I tried to figure out a way to slide a small tube of lipstick up my sleeve. The incident sent me into a full-blown panic attack; I was looking over my shoulder for a whole month in fear that some undercover cop was going to nab me and whisk me off to jail. This was the first and last time I ever shoplifted. I am also proud to say that I now buy my own toilet paper and cleaning supplies (just to clarify for my current manager, who may very well read this). 

Thou shalt not commit adultery: Finally, a sound argument for the benefits of staying single. 

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor: I wonder if this applies to passing gas and then blaming it on the person who is sitting next to you. If it does, I have a few friends who are in for some serious trouble. 

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house or wife: I can't say I have ever coveted my neighbor's wife, but then again, he's not married to Jessica Alba. I will admit, however, that I would do pretty much anything to have his green, plush lawn. I am also guilty for taking my dog on long walks in up-scale neighborhoods just so I can enviously peer into well-lit mansions. I have always been fascinated by how the other half lives, and my voyeuristic tendencies have provided me with a lot of great decorating ideas. 

So, there you have it. As you can see, my afterlife is looking pretty grim, which is why I am contemplating Buddhism. Judging by some of the pictures I found of Buddha (again, by way of google), I am quite confident that if he has commandments, one of them states..."thou shalt eat a rich diet and imbibe lots of alcohol to make for a well-rounded belly. After such gluttony, thou must rub thine belly with satisfaction to obtain good fortune." 

In all seriousness, I don't know what religion suits me best. But does it really matter? After all, don't all paths lead to God? I just hope I don't have P.M.S. when that path leads me to my final destination, otherwise, Eve and I are going to have a little sit-down.